Love, or what I thought it was
I had a theory about love as late as two years ago. It was about giving it, whatever it was, so you can receive it. It was transactional. If you give 50%, and the other person gave 50%, then that would equal 100% and that equation would mean that you two would love and respect each other. But God was not in the equation. You would, in essence, pull each other up, make each other better, and build something worth having in this world. And what would you want to have in this world? Two incomes so you can buy a house, some cars, and support some kids. Maybe go on vacation once in a while. You would both work, you go out to eat several times a month.
And that was my life for 11 years, minus the kids. And minus making each other better. But I was good at making it look good for the public when we got married four years ago. I didn’t discuss any problems I was having with any family (his or mine). All I know is that we didn’t talk about the deep things. My issues, starting with mental health, were the centerpiece of our marriage, even though there were issues on both sides. Even though I was contributing to 50% of the household income (despite making much less than him), I was made to feel like a second-class citizen, as if I wasn’t contributing at all. I thought that that was ok, because of my issues. I actually thanked him all the time for marrying me, feeling nobody else would want me. My relationship was with God was nonexistent because of my past shame. Minimizing myself because of my station in life was like a core value of my persona. I thought that marriage was about accepting each other, even if one of the people was not working on themselves. I thought this was my lot in life. “Hey, at least I had someone. Who cares if I didn’t feel loved or I didn’t love myself. At least he said 'I love you' all the time. He must love me then, even though we didn’t really talk or agree on a lot of things.”
Months before the separation, I started to work on my self-confidence, and I don’t even know why. I came to recognize that I was spiritually dead in the beginning of 2025. And funnily enough, my journey back to God started with being thankful. I was thankful for my relationship. I was thankful that I helped to buy a house and learned what that entailed. I was grateful that He had led me to find a medication that helped curtail my decade-long battle with anxiety. I was grateful that, because my anxiety was practically gone, I could drive without nerves again. I was grateful that I had held on to my job for over six years. I was grateful for a level of stability that I had had for over six years, even though I had been plagued with depression and self-hatred. I could see how God had kept me and allowed me to walk in a positive direction despite my issues. I could see that I was a decent person despite my past mistakes. I could see that, despite my feelings, I had never given up on life. And even though I felt alone, I could finally see myself emerging from the protective cocoon of isolation. I reached out to my mom, who had always been there, but from a distance, and began to help her with her situation. I had just finished my medical billing and coding program that I had been taking for the last two years online, even though I realized I didn’t enjoy it at all (and had taken on a lot of debt by myself). Somehow, I had developed some confidence at my laundry job, and when they made me a lead, I started to figure I was more capable than the position I was in the last six years had suggested. Much more capable. After years of hating myself, I was starting to love myself again.
I wanted children despite all that I was experiencing, but I was almost forty and I had female health problems that led me to believe that I could not have children biologically. Also, with the mental health medication I was on, I thought that I should not get pregnant, and I was possibly unfertile. I had settled in my mind that we would adopt, even though in the back of mind I wasn’t sure I wanted kids with my husband, for a number of reasons I won’t mention here. I had never even had a pregnancy scare in our 11-year relationship. But I did not pray for kids due to all those factors, thinking that having kids probably was not going to happen; not even through adoption because we didn’t have a lot of money. I was at the point that I was just grateful to be alive and I could look back and see that, despite it all, I was making it. Life wasn’t perfect, but I was making it. I had accepted my lot in life and I had plenty to be thankful for
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I wanted female friends, and that was the first thing I asked God for in my journal. I wanted a Godly female friend. I made an effort to start journaling every day on my tablet after years of not writing due to shame, and I used my journal to start communing with God. I used faith-based YouTube videos to inspire me, often posting those links in my journal. I really didn’t have any hobbies or interests, but writing had been a serious past love of mine, as well as computers and technology. I had abandoned all that when I was depressed for years, but I began to get back into that again. And somehow, God began to restore things that I had lost. He restored all of my writing that I thought I had lost (I was able to find and restore an old computer). He restored old pictures I had lost as well. And then He gave me an accounting position out of the blue, and I just began to see His goodness. And even though I’m not in that position anymore, being there opened my eyes to how much I loved it and led me to go back to school with that as my concentration. I have a new opportunity now at another job, and my love for writing, learning, and numbers is finally coming together.
But what really showed me that God is real is having my daughter, my first child, at the age of 39. I didn’t even know I was pregnant when I decided to leave my husband. That was truly the miracle of a lifetime, and I cannot doubt that God is real anymore. Even more incredible was the journey on the way to her birth—God showed me that I had such a strength and courage to make tough decisions and take care of myself despite not getting help from my husband, her father. I had plenty of help though, and I made a lot of female friends in the process. My mom was instrumental in getting me through my pregnancy, which considering my circumstances, went pretty well. I was able to work till I was full-term. My OBGYN doctor was amazing. Even though I had a c-section, my labor and delivery were relatively smooth. My mom held my hand as Jade was born, and I remember I fell asleep in the operating room right after giving birth. Jade was healthy, and I spent minimal time in the hospital. And even better, I experienced no postpartum depression after giving birth. I was overjoyed to have her, just as I had been during my pregnancy.
I received divorce papers three weeks into maternity leave. We had been separated and not living together since before I found out I was pregnant. But God is good, and God is allowing me to release what does not reflect true love; His love is true and it is everything. I don’t want to make it seem like this journey has been easy; it has not. But finding God and recognizing the many ways that He loves me when I don’t deserve it… it feels amazing. I could have never even had imagined the twists and turns my life has taken since God drew me towards Him again at the beginning of 2025. Maybe I was receptive to His love because this journey has taught me what love is not. You can’t just talk about love; you have to be shown what it is and what it isn’t. I do think my husband may have loved me at one point. But what is love if you do not love yourself? It is not about the things you accumulate; it is not about the image you curate. It is about knowing that there is a God, and God is love. We all make mistakes, but if we repent and let God do His work in us, you will begin to see the blessings that you have. God has blessed me immensely, and to all those who are going through difficult situations, just know that there is a God to turn to. God bless.